When it comes to dating or any kind of relationship, the level to which you deceive yourself will always mirror the toleration you have for others deceiving you. Self-respect and pathologically (or compulsive) lying cannot coexist. Over time, I started to build respect for myself. I then started to attract better people and better relationships in my life.īy taking this step to improve myself, I had simultaneously improved the relationship with myself. ![]() I realized that although people may be hurt, disgusted, happy, sad, etc., from hearing my truth… At least they’d respect me for being honest. I got so sick of myself, my oversharing, the drama I had created, and my own bullsh*t, that the truth started to become less scary. I basically started to become more worried about the effects of my lies than people just knowing the truth. How I stopped being a compulsive liar is another post for another time. The funny thing is, I lied to keep people around when all it did was turn off the right people, trigger my abandonment issues, and in turn, attract toxic people who exploited the very insecurities that required me to lie on the compulsive level that I was. These identities are birthed by your shame, anger, fear of rejection, fear of judgment, insecurities, and pain. Having one identity is tough enough but when you lie, you have to keep up with multiple ones. If I didn’t feel like my truth was so pathetic, I would never have felt the need to compulsively lie.Īnyone who lies habitually is on a self-made life raft that deflates very quickly until another lie is told. And there is no lonelier place to be than the space of feeling like you have no worth. The root of the weed that lying is, will always be the liar’s belief that they are not enough. They would shame me to others behind my back in the name of expressing concern – instead of having a genuine concern to ask me if I was okay. A lot of it had to do with witnessing the adults lie and being around certain family members who were so insecure themselves, they got satisfaction from being the “Gotcha!” police. And there are a million more reasons why I continued to lie as a teenager and young adult.Ī lot of them had to do with the atmosphere I grew up in. There are a million reasons why I felt like I had no choice but to lie at such a young age. Without lying, everyone would be in on the joke that I embarrassingly tried to be the only one in on… T he extent to which we will justify the wrong of lying in the name of emotional survival is incredible. I didn’t have the awareness that I do now, but I knew the difference between right and wrong. The lying continued well into my teens and early twenties. As I grew up, so did my self-deception, insecurities, and ability to paint an entirely different picture than, unbeknownst to me, most people could see right through. I had well-intended parents who taught me not to lie but in my little mind, there was no other choice. I was never a pathological liar but I definitely used to be a compulsive liar.Įarly in my childhood, lying became a habit that soon became a way of life. “However, this may not always be easy to do, if the person is a family member or coworker, for instance,” says Daramus.Before I get into the signs of dating a pathological liar, I want to give you some background on my own personal experiences with lying. End the relationship: If you are unable to cope with the person’s lies, you can end your relationship with them.If they don’t have a lot of insight or willingness to change, you might have to set boundaries with yourself about how much you'll give to that relationship,” says Daramus. Set boundaries: “It's important to set boundaries in your relationship with the person, to protect yourself.Actions don't lie, and over time you'll spot patterns that will help you predict their future behavior,” says Daramus. Pay attention to their actions: As it can be difficult to trust the words of a person who lies pathologically, “one of the most effective things you can do is read the person’s actions.If you’re upset, let them know that you don’t want to interact with them if they’re not being honest with you. Expect resistance: When you confront the person about their lies, they may deny it or respond with more lies.Avoid being judgmental instead, let them know that you’re concerned about them. Suggest treatment: Suggest that the person seek mental health treatment for their condition and offer whatever resources and support that you can.They may even have underlying mental health conditions that are motivating their behavior. ![]() Know that it’s not personal: While it can certainly be hard not to take it personally, it’s important to remember that a person who lies pathologically may not necessarily be aware of it or intend to do it.
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